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I thought it'd be fun to have a thread where we could post jokes, cartoons, pictures, etc. that make us laugh. Please share.
"I've heard some of our fans say, 'We were always an SEC school. We just didn't know it," athletic director Bill Byrne said.
The Stun Gun
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.
Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
SON-OF-A-... that hurt like &*$% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock, Earl
XoGisele, Ashley Sky, Niki Skyler
LMAO!!!!!!!!!. This is hilarious.
A representative from the Darwin Awards is on line 1.
ha ha ha ....man wtf were you thinking. First thing that went through my mind was once the shock started you wouldn't be able to let go. funny.
ps--good luck on the testicles. I am going to pass reward or not.
That didn't actually happen to him. That emails between floating around for years..still funny everytime I read it though.
oh. got it. funny stuff.
NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND
These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district. Spellings have been left intact.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Pleaseexcuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There
must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.
Bevo that was hilarious. I spit all over my computer screen when I read #12
I was really hoping that more people would chime in on this thread. Surely, I'm not the only guy here who collects funny stuff! I'll post one more thing and then hopefully others can share.
I LOVE MY JOB . . . . . .
If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This
is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad
day at work think of this guy.
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana .
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an
E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM
dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience
contest. Needless to say, she won.
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a
bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I
thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so
bad after all .
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with
a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom
of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the
water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel
powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the
water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it
down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now
this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose
and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit
with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going
well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched
it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to
burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony
I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my
suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't
stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I
scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His
instruction s were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other
divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops
totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my
chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing
nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running
down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my
butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I
couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat
to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job." Now whenever
you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? May you
NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules "
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really ..
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as SEX, CARS, the shotgun formation,
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
...But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping;)
1. Sex is an acceptable solution to any problem
This post was edited by Bevo52 21 months ago
hilarious zach and completely true.
This post was edited by Canadianhorn 21 months ago
*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If
you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
the third judge is even better!
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you
know how true this is.
The notes are from an inexperienced Eastern Sportswriter
chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected
as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in
sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing
there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides,
they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh!t, what the h@ll is
this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans
Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had
to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great
kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty,
good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
sh!t-faced from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.
Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much
of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with
fresh refills. That healthy gal is starting to look HOT...
just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne
peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.
I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when
I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I sh!t on myself when I farted and
I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one
seems inclined to stand behind me except
Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
a$$ with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef
literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the
last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the
autopsy, they'll knowwhat killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over
and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor
dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.
The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss.
The legs argued that since they took the man wherever he wanted to go, he should be boss.
The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss.
The eyes said without them, man would be helpless, so they should be boss.
Then the ass hole applied for the job.
The other parts of the body laughed so hard that the ass hole became mad and closed up.
After a few days the brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, the eyes got crossed and unable to see.
They all conceded and made the ass hole the boss.
This proves that you don’t have to be a brain to be the boss… just an ass hole.
I have a sister that's 2 1/2 years older than me. When I was 14, she had a pajama party where several of her friends slept over at my house one night. She had some really good looking friends.
About 3am, the absolute hottest one of her friends comes into my bedroom.
She says, "Jimmy, take off my bra." So I did.
Then she says, "take off my panties." So I did.
Then she says, "never, ever wear my clothes again." Ooops.
I think I posted this on an aggie joke thread a long time ago, but it's worth repeating:
An aggie walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
I laugh at that one every time I hear it.
The Rich Guy and the Poor Guy
Two guys were childhood friends. They were buddies their whole lives. One became wildly successful and made millions. The other struggled his whole life and needed food stamps to get by. It didn't matter. They remained best of friends.
One Christmas season they got together talking about what presents they had bought for their wives.
The rich guy said that he bought his wife a fur coat and a Mercedes Benz.
The poor guy asked why he bought her 2 presents. "Because if she doesn't like the fur coat, I know she'll like the Mercedes."
The poor guy said he bought his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo.
The rich guy asked why he bought her 2 presents. "Because if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f*ck herself."
This is very similar to one of the above.
The Gay Cowboy
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She
was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but
knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided
to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the
house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a
lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was
doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired
"You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should
go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One
o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired
hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he
found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it
off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my
boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly
by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching
her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling
hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he
slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If
you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired." Then she
thought to herself I should've hired the drunk!
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, Did I wake you????
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks
into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.!
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to payoff.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list .
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